Letting Go

Here I am again faced with letting go. Even as I continue to grieve and work on letting go of my husband's life on this earth, I'm faced with letting go of a relationship. I have no control over other people and it takes two to make a relationship. The fact that I once again thought I could do it all is not lost on me. I got swallowed up and instead of relaxing and letting go, I pulled the reins tighter. I was trying to force it, to make it work. Relationships don't work like that. So now, I have to let go and let him find his answers. I couldn't grieve for him, I couldn't make it all better. I couldn't love him enough so that he could heal from his past relationship. He must love himself enough to become willing to move forward. I pray for him everyday. But now, I have to focus on myself. I have a lot of healing to do and a lot of living to do. This man taught me to be more open to life, more accepting and more compassionate. He also taught me once again that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it -- whatever the problem is that is out of my hands. Now, I'm trying to love and forgive myself. If the worse I did was love too much, can I live with that? I think so. Forgiving him may be harder, but for now I'll ask God to forgive him for me. And I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other. Once again, a little stronger from the battle. Sometimes I feel like a warrior, but God is my strength and through him, I can do all things.

Whoa -- What just happened?

I was attending a security webinar at work where they suggested googling ourselves to see what comes up on the Internet. My blog was the first thing. I was surprised it was still hanging out there in a dusty corner of the web. Has it really been 6 years since I blogged?

My last blog was about losing my dog. My first blog in 6 years will be about losing my husband.

The man I met 30 years ago and married 25 years ago. The love of my life. My soul mate. My forever love. It wasn't supposed to be like this. But I'm not the one writing the script.

Steve told me he would never leave me and his spirit has not. He is with me everyday. When I doubt it, he sends signs like lights flickering, knocking sounds or chimes.

Still, there are days I feel like I cannot bear not seeing him and kissing him. I miss his embrace from healthier days. More than anything though, I miss his smile and his ever-present joking and making light of life. Steve could make every situation lighter. When he got cancer and started feeling better, people who didn't know any better thought he was cured. His attitude was so positive. He'd say, "Good" when asked how he was doing and turn to you and ask how you were. Then he'd ask follow-up questions. Your struggle with your dishwasher was more important than the side effects of his chemo.

But he had his moments of tears. He would just break down sometimes. The times he knew. And what made him cry wasn't his pain or suffering it was his concern for me and the kids.

He fought the disease for us, not for himself. And when he had no strength left to fight anymore, he went Home. There he prepares a place for me, Stevie, Matt and our possible grandchildren. But what about now? I hurt, I ache. I miss him. Even as my conscious mind has not fully grasped his death. Since I feel his presence so strongly, the fact that he has died is still sinking in. I will never stop missing him but I know the pain will lessen.

Sometimes I cry so hard that my head aches, like right now but I have to grieve. There is no other choice. And grieving helps to heal me. It's going on three years since Steve got ill. I plan to use this blog to help share some of our story. Sad at times, but surprisingly filled with dazzling moments of joy. Like now, my life is not all woe and sorrow. God has blessed me in new ways and with new adventures. Stay tuned as I share my walk through the dark valley, guided by the Light.

By the way, I still love life.

Kipper Klaus

Kipper will always be tied in my heart to St. Nicholas. For it is on the Feast of St. Nicholas (Dec. 6th) that that crazy Brittany with the gorgeous brown eyes left this world.

He always loved Christmas, getting antsy (yes, antsier than normal) as the big day approached. On Christmas morning, he was always in the mix of the presents, waiting patiently for his and wagging his tail and prancing like a reindeer when he got his new bone or chew toy(s).

Here are some pics from Christmas' past

Lessons Kipper Taught Us

When I started this blog, much of the content was devoted to my Brittany, Kipper and his shenanigans. As we say goodbye to him, I wanted to share the lessons he taught us.

Kipper taught us to live life fully,
To love unconditionally,
To trust for no good reason,
To never give up hope,
To always look on the bright side,
To push against barriers and keep trying,
To laugh when you want to cry,
To dance when you hear a good tune,
To get out and run when you need to,
To treasure those closest to you,
To be contented with life as you know it,
To accept and enjoy this life and
To look forward to the next.

Attitude of Gratitude

What am I grateful for?

A warm, comfortable home
Plenty of food
A wonderful, challenging job
Beautiful children (those I've birthed and all of those in the world)
A devoted husband
Loving sisters
Great friends
My sponsor, Terry
Sunshine!
Phones, computers, and letters that let me keep in touch
God who loves me, forgives me, redeems me and promises me everlasting life!
Hobbies
Pets
Coffee!
Time to rest, play, work, pray and exercise!
Variety
Birds singing outside my window
Projects and plans
Surprises when plans don't go, well, as planned
Health
Serenity
Craziness, sadness, grief, anger and all the emotions that mean I'm alive!
Days off work
Diversions
Love
Me

Kipper's Kristmas

Kipper's Kristmas kame early this year. Walks every day, extra love, petting and treats along with many "That's a good boy." He got a new bed complete with red plaid because he soiled his other one. He got to spend a weekend at Uncle Bob's with a huge yard to explore, two young dogs to romp with and plenty of love from Aunt Barb who used to babysit him and the boys. Plus Uncle Bob is one of his favorite people. Ham, pepperoni, ground beef, swiss steak, NY strips, beef jerky --if its meat, we give it freely.

Kipper may not make it until Santa comes, so he's getting it all now.

We love you, Kip.

Change of Season

As life goes on we seem to move quickly through autumn to winter
Middle age moving us through the years like wind blowing the leaves
The cold tinge to the air as we mature and move toward our golden years
How have the children grown so quickly while we were living life
Why does the time seem to accelerate as the years accumulate?

The sun still shines and each day holds promise and surprise
Living in the moment ensures us we are making the most of our time
The sun sets sooner, but there is a comfort to the slower pace that
Accompanies the cooler weather and the sense of nostalgia
That returns as the season turns from fall to winter and the holidays draw near.

Acceptance

What is it?

What can it be?

It's always something

I'm not accepting

that robs me of my serenity.

Crucifix Meditation

Hanging there you seemed so powerless

Utter acceptance of your Father's will

Courage to conquer sin and die for us

Knowing you would rise again.

Finding True Love

I can rationalize what I do,

Saying I’m doing it for you.

Who?

You.

I’m selfless you see, despite my hidden motives of getting what I want for me.

I think that if I give you want you will in turn give me what I need.

I haven’t asked you but hope that some comment planted a seed.

But you don’t catch on and go on your merry way,

Taking what I gave and leaving me to say “Hey,”

“What happened?” I did as you asked but now

I find myself out in the cold, abandoned somehow.

You didn’t read my mind and acquiesce.

You didn’t even notice or guess

That I wanted something for in return of what I gave:

Recognition, a thank you or even just a wave.

After all, I moved over and let you pass.

You left me in the dust and alas

I finally realize I expected what you could not give--

To read my mind as if it’s a sieve

Where my needs go out from me and enter your head

I take care of you and you take care of me –but, instead

You didn’t agree to this and now I resent

What I did with a motive that was bent

I said I wanted to please you, but really you see

I was trying all along to get you to do it for me.

Okay, so if I stop this dance and instead seek out

God’s love and find out what that’s about

I’ll find that loving God means loving myself

Then I can care for you without putting me on a shelf

Then true love with you I will share

You may not return it but I won’t care

Because God will see that someone else will

Find my love fitting and return it to me in full.

Dishwasher Fix

I was struggling for weeks to figure out why my new dishwasher wasn't working properly. Glasses were coming out with cloudy spots, residue and even some etching.

I used only the best dishwasher soap and rinse aid. I tried running bleach and vinegar through the washer. We even had a repair man come out to whom my husband pointed out a clogged part and his response was, "Good, because if we didn't find anything wrong I'd have to charge you for the house call." That really stumped me since he didn't even look over the dishwasher to find a problem. Apparently the contract company is more interested in collecting money than fixing dishwashers. But I digress.

We searched troubleshooting online and in the washer manual. I checked the water temperature, water pressure and water hardness.

Finally, we called our brother in-law who installed the machine, hoping he might pull it out and find a kinked hose. He tightened the hose. Then he looked inside. He immediately spotted the problem. This is why I'm sharing it with you. There is a small arm that extends from the device that sprays water on the top rack. The arm hooks into a clip--or at least it is supposed to. If the arm is shifted by a large dish on the bottom rack, it will slip so that the circular piece is in front of the clip instead of behind it. In that case, the arm does not properly plug into the seal at the back of the dishwasher. This means the pressure is not correct coming out of the sprayer. This also affects the bottom sprayer because once you affect the pressure of one, the other is affected.

After my brother in-law moved the piece into the clip--this is very easy to do--he ran a filthy glass with no detergent through the wash cycle for 5 minutes and the glass came out sparkling! I could tell the difference right away because when we opened the dishwasher mid-cycle, water was shooting out as it used to with our old machine. It had never done that with this dishwasher because the pressure was always wrong.

So if you have spotty glasses or food particles stuck to your dishes, sit on the floor and look at the sprayer under the top rack. Make sure the round end of the arm is behind the clip and watch your dishes come clean!

The side note on the story is that I gave the problem over to God right before it was resolved. He works in big ways (see the Miracle of the Medals story below) and in small ways (like fixing dishwashers) such is his depth of love for us.

Miracle of the Medals

It had been a good Thursday. I'd given my presentation at work, asking God to speak through me, and I'd pulled it off with flying colors. I felt grateful and in alignment with God's will. It was sunny and warm. Not a day for tragedy.

The Tigers were on the TV, trying to win another game. My husband, Steve, and I had just settled on the couch when he put a religious medal in my hand. It was St. Therese. I was familiar with the saint, having just read her autobiography several months prior. Steve works at our Church and is always finding rosary beads, prayer cards and the like in his cleaning duties. I nonchalantly turned over the medal to see flowers and the words "Pray for us." I thought it was a nice medal and turned my attention back to the baseball game.

Steve said, "I found three of these at work today."

I nodded and our oldest son, Stevie, interrupted the conversation with a baseball statistic, that our youngest son, Matt, disputed in usual fashion.

I took a sip of iced tea and looked at the TV, willing Steve's boring story to be over.

"Anyway," Steve continued, "Did you know some areas flooded last night? It rained pretty hard."

"Yeh, someone said something..." I responded.

"Well, I was using this electric pump with an external motor to drain the water out of the elevator at the church. As I was pumping, the pump fell over. Without thinking, I grabbed it," he said.

I looked at him, my eyes popping out of my head. "What happened? Did you get a shock?"

"Nothing," he said.

Now he even had Matt's attention.

"After I pulled it out, I moved the pump. And there where it was were three medals like the one you are holding, all lined up in a row. Isn't that strange?"

"Not at all," I said, "It was a miracle. St. Therese saved your life. Isn't she the saint that wanted to help people on earth after she went to heaven? She said she would send flowers down after dying."

Steve said he didn't know. But he did know that those medals were not there earlier. Two other workers had been there talking to him before the incident and said they didn't see the medals. He added, "After I told them the story, they both took a medal. Father Ed said I better hold onto this one."

I gave Steve the medal back, reiterating that he should keep it with him.

Next, I thanked God, St. Therese and Steve's guardian angel for saving him from serious injury and possibly death.

I did some Internet research and confirmed that St. Therese wanted to help us here on earth after she died. I printed out her Novena and prayed it for nine days. Many miracles have been attributed to St. Therese, but this one I experienced first hand.

Feathered Friends

Robin, come closer
Open your wings and reveal
the red underneath
Show off for me
Tilt your head to
ask do I understand--
You get what you attract.
I blink and your gone
Flying over my head,
Squawking as you leave,
Saying goodbye to me.

Hope

Hope is the feeling of Christmas in Spring.

Shining, promising, on the horizon--a beacon.

What can and will be. Hope in the Lord who works all things for our greater good.

Inspiration.

Growth.

Birds singing.

Green.

Smiles, joy, sunshine, good vibes.

Hope dispels darkness, fear, anger, despair.

Hope cannot be killed

Hope Lives On.

Things are getting better.

God's love is growing. Spread God's love like peanut butter on bread.

No need to react to chaos.

All is in God's order.

God's will be done.

Love and light. Makes us light.

Today is a great day!

The Lord is my shepherd.

More will be revealed.

I turn my will and life over to God and have hope that he will give my life purpose and make it what it is meant to be. I will hope in God's will, not my fantasies or fancies. Just God's will, not mine.

She told me he got 5 O'clock shadow. My dark, handsome father. Video tapes of home movie reels and black and white photographs. These are the bits and pieces I hold onto. They fill my head and try to become my memories.

But once in a while, I flash on a true memory--being held up high in the air, jet back hair, loving blue eyes holding my gaze, watching this tall man walk. These moments are most precious for me for it is then that I feel my dad. He's no longer just a nice, good-looking man but he's a real flesh and blood person who loved, nurtured, and treasured me. He's mine. Even though he was part of my human experience for less than a year, in these memories I suddenly have a dad.

Now I think of my heavenly Father and how I can feel his love for me through the Eucharist, meditation upon the cross, or the love of other people. Those who met Christ in the flesh must've been touched beyond words. No wonder they put him to death--he must've scared the pants off of some of his contemporaries. To worship your heavenly Father and then to glimpse him here on earth--how tantalizing and awesome that must've been. But if you felt unworthy or sinful, you could not accept this. Which is why when Jesus rose from the dead, he greeted his disciples by saying, "Peace be with you" and "Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them..." He was talking about forgiving ourselves as well as others. If we don't forgive ourselves, we can't let go of the hurt we have felt from others. If we hold onto those sins, they are retained. God already forgives us, but we must forgive. Otherwise, we can't accept Christ and the Kingdom.

He had brown hair, a beard and gentle eyes. He performed many great works -- but will those bits and pieces be all we know of Christ? Or will we let ourselves be touched by his forgiveness and love? Will we let ourselves truly experience God's presence TODAY in our lives? All it takes is a little willingness--willingness to be open. He knew us before we were born and we knew Him. We belong to Him and He is ours.

Ashamed to be Catholic?

I was on a plan about a month ago, chatting with an elderly couple from my hometown when they mentioned a familiar church. I commented, "I'm Catholic, too."

"It's okay," the woman responded to me in a placating tone.

I was dumbfounded. Later I realized I'd wanted to tell her that I wasn't apologizing for my religion. I was proud to be Catholic.

I notice when others seem to be ashamed of being Catholic or try to make excuses for it. Why?

Here are some reasons to be proud to be Catholic:

We are the religion fonded by St. Peter over 2000 years ago.

We partake in seven sacraments which are not only signs of faith, but intimate contact with God. For example, in the Eucharist, we eat and drink the body and blood of Christ. In Confirmation we receive the Holy Spirit through being anointed with oil. In Penance, we are touched by the priest acting as Christ and hear the words that we are absolved from our sins.

We participate in the divine reality of heaven in the Mass. We are actually joined with the saints and angels in the present moment, giving glory to God and experiencing the divine mystery of being part of the body of Christ.

Catholic churches house the body of Christ in the tabernacle, making these places of worship holier than the ancient temple was to the Jews.

We Catholics have awesome symbols and tools of meditation such as the crucifix and the rosary.

Our rich traditions during Lent and Christmas deepen our faith.

We honor Mary as the Mother of God and she intercedes for us to Christ when we pray to her. She has granted countless miracles.

Catholicism has doctrine and beliefs that are not compromised for the flavor of the day or because it is easier to change.

Why should I be ashamed to be Catholic? I am not.

I am not ashamed that Catholics aren't perfect and that we make mistakes. But as a Catholic, I admit when I am wrong and make amends as the Church itself has done through the centuries.

I am not ashamed that we have made superficial changes because those modifications have not strayed from the Catechism. The Vatican II changes were actually a renewal of the earliest Catholic traditions and have added to the richness of the Mass.

There is so much to learn about our faith and the more I learn, the more I have to learn and the more that all of life makes sense. It's all there in the Catechism and teachings of the Catholic Church--how to live a full, satisfying, joyful and meaningful life. Catholic.org is a good place to find out more.

Happiness

Happiness isn't the absence of worries and strife, but the ability to smile at life.

Happiness is the capacity to perservere in all that happens, knowing God is near.

Happiness is facing fear, sorrow, tragedy and uniting it to Christ's suffering.

It's not about vacations and lack of stress, but about God's will and acceptance.

Happiness is knowing even in the midst of pain and rain that tomorrow the sun will shine again.

Food Obsession

Food obsession go away,
Counting calories, fat each day.
Tired of restrictions and rationalizations?
Want freedom, health and celebrations?
It's not gluttony to eat what you like;
It can be fun and healthy--as riding a bike.
Exercise is important too,
But don't obsess about what to do.
Stop being a critic of each move you make;
Eat the salad and eat the cake.
Don't look back, only ahead--
Give yourself a break and enjoy your daily bread.
Stop fussing and nagging your kid;
Set a good example and put on the lid
When you've had enough and you know when--
There's no such thing as not stopping then.
Trust yourself to eat what your body craves;
Fruits, vegetables, sugar may come in waves
As your body and emotions heal
More into balance become your meals,
You will naturally eat what you need;
Without question and calculation you will heed
Your body's true desire
Because it's not a liar
Learn to listen to your gut
And get out of the food rut!

Welcome Spring

March 1st and we are more than ready for Spring in Michigan. A new attitude is what I'm feeling as I feel the sunshine and anticipate warmer, longer days. Crocus will soon appear. Like the changing weather, I too am changing to a lighter spirit, ready to embrace all that is life. I thank God for all he gives me--for it is all my experience--and though I may not recognize its signifigance, it all matters and works to our greater good. Praise God for sunshine, love, laughter and joy on this beautiful day!

Orange, Pink and Blue

Orange, pink and blue
Do you know what to do?
When the sky changes color
As the seasons shift gears
Energy rebounds, but the air is still cold
Not time to plant or swim or hike
Not time to sit and read by the fire.
But what time is the in-between time?
Orange, purple, white
As day descends to night
The days stretch longer
Cabin fever soars higher
What is my outlet?
To Write?