Letting Go

Here I am again faced with letting go. Even as I continue to grieve and work on letting go of my husband's life on this earth, I'm faced with letting go of a relationship. I have no control over other people and it takes two to make a relationship. The fact that I once again thought I could do it all is not lost on me. I got swallowed up and instead of relaxing and letting go, I pulled the reins tighter. I was trying to force it, to make it work. Relationships don't work like that. So now, I have to let go and let him find his answers. I couldn't grieve for him, I couldn't make it all better. I couldn't love him enough so that he could heal from his past relationship. He must love himself enough to become willing to move forward. I pray for him everyday. But now, I have to focus on myself. I have a lot of healing to do and a lot of living to do. This man taught me to be more open to life, more accepting and more compassionate. He also taught me once again that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it -- whatever the problem is that is out of my hands. Now, I'm trying to love and forgive myself. If the worse I did was love too much, can I live with that? I think so. Forgiving him may be harder, but for now I'll ask God to forgive him for me. And I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other. Once again, a little stronger from the battle. Sometimes I feel like a warrior, but God is my strength and through him, I can do all things.

Whoa -- What just happened?

I was attending a security webinar at work where they suggested googling ourselves to see what comes up on the Internet. My blog was the first thing. I was surprised it was still hanging out there in a dusty corner of the web. Has it really been 6 years since I blogged?

My last blog was about losing my dog. My first blog in 6 years will be about losing my husband.

The man I met 30 years ago and married 25 years ago. The love of my life. My soul mate. My forever love. It wasn't supposed to be like this. But I'm not the one writing the script.

Steve told me he would never leave me and his spirit has not. He is with me everyday. When I doubt it, he sends signs like lights flickering, knocking sounds or chimes.

Still, there are days I feel like I cannot bear not seeing him and kissing him. I miss his embrace from healthier days. More than anything though, I miss his smile and his ever-present joking and making light of life. Steve could make every situation lighter. When he got cancer and started feeling better, people who didn't know any better thought he was cured. His attitude was so positive. He'd say, "Good" when asked how he was doing and turn to you and ask how you were. Then he'd ask follow-up questions. Your struggle with your dishwasher was more important than the side effects of his chemo.

But he had his moments of tears. He would just break down sometimes. The times he knew. And what made him cry wasn't his pain or suffering it was his concern for me and the kids.

He fought the disease for us, not for himself. And when he had no strength left to fight anymore, he went Home. There he prepares a place for me, Stevie, Matt and our possible grandchildren. But what about now? I hurt, I ache. I miss him. Even as my conscious mind has not fully grasped his death. Since I feel his presence so strongly, the fact that he has died is still sinking in. I will never stop missing him but I know the pain will lessen.

Sometimes I cry so hard that my head aches, like right now but I have to grieve. There is no other choice. And grieving helps to heal me. It's going on three years since Steve got ill. I plan to use this blog to help share some of our story. Sad at times, but surprisingly filled with dazzling moments of joy. Like now, my life is not all woe and sorrow. God has blessed me in new ways and with new adventures. Stay tuned as I share my walk through the dark valley, guided by the Light.

By the way, I still love life.

Kipper Klaus

Kipper will always be tied in my heart to St. Nicholas. For it is on the Feast of St. Nicholas (Dec. 6th) that that crazy Brittany with the gorgeous brown eyes left this world.

He always loved Christmas, getting antsy (yes, antsier than normal) as the big day approached. On Christmas morning, he was always in the mix of the presents, waiting patiently for his and wagging his tail and prancing like a reindeer when he got his new bone or chew toy(s).

Here are some pics from Christmas' past

Lessons Kipper Taught Us

When I started this blog, much of the content was devoted to my Brittany, Kipper and his shenanigans. As we say goodbye to him, I wanted to share the lessons he taught us.

Kipper taught us to live life fully,
To love unconditionally,
To trust for no good reason,
To never give up hope,
To always look on the bright side,
To push against barriers and keep trying,
To laugh when you want to cry,
To dance when you hear a good tune,
To get out and run when you need to,
To treasure those closest to you,
To be contented with life as you know it,
To accept and enjoy this life and
To look forward to the next.

Attitude of Gratitude

What am I grateful for?

A warm, comfortable home
Plenty of food
A wonderful, challenging job
Beautiful children (those I've birthed and all of those in the world)
A devoted husband
Loving sisters
Great friends
My sponsor, Terry
Sunshine!
Phones, computers, and letters that let me keep in touch
God who loves me, forgives me, redeems me and promises me everlasting life!
Hobbies
Pets
Coffee!
Time to rest, play, work, pray and exercise!
Variety
Birds singing outside my window
Projects and plans
Surprises when plans don't go, well, as planned
Health
Serenity
Craziness, sadness, grief, anger and all the emotions that mean I'm alive!
Days off work
Diversions
Love
Me

Kipper's Kristmas

Kipper's Kristmas kame early this year. Walks every day, extra love, petting and treats along with many "That's a good boy." He got a new bed complete with red plaid because he soiled his other one. He got to spend a weekend at Uncle Bob's with a huge yard to explore, two young dogs to romp with and plenty of love from Aunt Barb who used to babysit him and the boys. Plus Uncle Bob is one of his favorite people. Ham, pepperoni, ground beef, swiss steak, NY strips, beef jerky --if its meat, we give it freely.

Kipper may not make it until Santa comes, so he's getting it all now.

We love you, Kip.

Change of Season

As life goes on we seem to move quickly through autumn to winter
Middle age moving us through the years like wind blowing the leaves
The cold tinge to the air as we mature and move toward our golden years
How have the children grown so quickly while we were living life
Why does the time seem to accelerate as the years accumulate?

The sun still shines and each day holds promise and surprise
Living in the moment ensures us we are making the most of our time
The sun sets sooner, but there is a comfort to the slower pace that
Accompanies the cooler weather and the sense of nostalgia
That returns as the season turns from fall to winter and the holidays draw near.