I was attending a security webinar at work where they suggested googling ourselves to see what comes up on the Internet. My blog was the first thing. I was surprised it was still hanging out there in a dusty corner of the web. Has it really been 6 years since I blogged?
My last blog was about losing my dog. My first blog in 6 years will be about losing my husband.
The man I met 30 years ago and married 25 years ago. The love of my life. My soul mate. My forever love. It wasn't supposed to be like this. But I'm not the one writing the script.
Steve told me he would never leave me and his spirit has not. He is with me everyday. When I doubt it, he sends signs like lights flickering, knocking sounds or chimes.
Still, there are days I feel like I cannot bear not seeing him and kissing him. I miss his embrace from healthier days. More than anything though, I miss his smile and his ever-present joking and making light of life. Steve could make every situation lighter. When he got cancer and started feeling better, people who didn't know any better thought he was cured. His attitude was so positive. He'd say, "Good" when asked how he was doing and turn to you and ask how you were. Then he'd ask follow-up questions. Your struggle with your dishwasher was more important than the side effects of his chemo.
But he had his moments of tears. He would just break down sometimes. The times he knew. And what made him cry wasn't his pain or suffering it was his concern for me and the kids.
He fought the disease for us, not for himself. And when he had no strength left to fight anymore, he went Home. There he prepares a place for me, Stevie, Matt and our possible grandchildren. But what about now? I hurt, I ache. I miss him. Even as my conscious mind has not fully grasped his death. Since I feel his presence so strongly, the fact that he has died is still sinking in. I will never stop missing him but I know the pain will lessen.
Sometimes I cry so hard that my head aches, like right now but I have to grieve. There is no other choice. And grieving helps to heal me. It's going on three years since Steve got ill. I plan to use this blog to help share some of our story. Sad at times, but surprisingly filled with dazzling moments of joy. Like now, my life is not all woe and sorrow. God has blessed me in new ways and with new adventures. Stay tuned as I share my walk through the dark valley, guided by the Light.
By the way, I still love life.
